Lately, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about gratitude. Between celebrating Thanksgiving, providing workshops about how to increase happiness, and coaching my toddler on the use of manners, “Thank You” has become my personal mantra over the past month. However, as we say goodbye to the Thanksgiving season and the holidays peek out at us from just behind the corner, I have started to shift my contemplations to the other side of “Thank you.”
Which is…. drum roll please… “You’re Welcome.” How many times do we mindlessly utter these two words in a given day? I know for myself that this phrase is mostly rote; the two words I speak like an automaton as soon as I hear the words “thank you.” However, a rather mundane experience woke me up to the transformative power that these two words can have when spoken with mindfulness and sincerity.
It all started when I realized that I was missing a key ingredient to the dinner I was in the middle of preparing and had to ask my husband to take a side trip from his long commute to go to the grocery store. To my relief, he immediately agreed to my assignment and I resumed my cooking feeling filled with gratitude about his willingness to bail me out… Right up until the moment he walked through the door. As I expressed my gratitude for his selfless act, he sighed and gave me a curt, “Yup” before promptly leaving the kitchen. While his words were benign, his tone made it clear that he was not thrilled to have had to cover for my disorganization. The take home message for me was that his help was not a “welcome” act.
While my husband had every right to feel annoyed by my disorganization, knowing that he was unhappy about helping me caused my own buoyant feelings of gratitude to be replaced with feelings of guilt. And, truth be told, my gratitude for his generosity diminished upon his “Yup.” It was much easier to sing his praises in my mind when he had helped me out willingly! Shrugging it off and feeling slightly self righteous I continued with my evening… until I caught myself responding to my husband in a similar fashion later that night. It was at this point that I fully realized the importance of “You’re Welcome.”
Like gratitude, generosity is an attitude and our attitude toward something is always our choice. When we choose to focus on how we “shouldn’t“ have to do something for another person, the time or energy it will “waste”, or any other negative thoughts we might have, then we are left with feelings of anger and resentment. (Newsflash! Counting your burdens is not a happiness promoting activity!) The resentment caused by this negative way of thinking is communicated to the other person, whether verbally or through body language and tone, and an interaction that had the potential of strengthening the connection ends up having the opposite effect.
Acting with a generous attitude, on the other hand, creates opportunities for improved mood and strengthened relationships. When we keep the focus of our thoughts on the happiness or relief that our actions will give to another, how good we feel about being generous or helpful, or the ripple effect our actions might have throughout our communities we are left feeling productive, influential and get a boost to our self-esteem. Our graciousness and generosity (hopefully) leads to the gratitude and appreciation of others… which (hopefully again) encourages us to continue to give… which continues to foster more gratitude. This giving/gratitude feedback loop is arguably one of the most beneficial dynamics that we can create in our relationships.
Which brings me back to the power of “You’re Welcome….” These two words are the very expression of a gracious, generous attitude. When we choose to speak these words with conscious awareness and sincerity, we are making a promise to the other person of our continued willingness to give, to repeat the act if necessary, to be gracious.
So, this holiday season, I challenge you to join me in the pursuit of greater graciousness. Every time you find yourself mindlessly responding to another person’s expression of gratitude, whether talking with your partner or standing in a checkout line, think about the meaning of the words you are uttering. Use your “You’re Welcome” as a mantra to bring you back to a gracious, generous, and giving state of mind. I’m willing to bet that the person who benefits the most from your increasing graciousness is you!
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